Managing disappointment… again

 

I’m not usually one for posting motivational quotes but I found this and it definitely resonated with me. I also just found it really tricky to find an image to go with this post…HAHA no formula or filter for Instagram for this:)

One of the most exhausting aspects of this wonderful process is picking yourself up after a setback. This is where we find ourselves again…unfortunately over the weekend we had our pregnancy test and got that dreaded phone call to tell us “we are sorry but the result is negative”.

As I answered the phone, whilst pondering over a pair of trainers in New Balance on Oxford St, the world fell silent as I heard those very painful words. I closed my eyes and shook my head, as Dwighty looked on helpless and tried to get rid of a slightly shocked shop assistant (poor girl!). We made a quick exit and just stood and hugged each other outside, as the rest of the Saturday shoppers went about their business, oblivious to what we were going through. It’s always a surreal ten minutes straight after “the call”, you are processing the information and working out how you feel, but equally you go a bit numb and it’s very difficult to make any decisions. Luckily we have a pretty standard strategy (having had to deal with this a few times!), which is wander around town, often partake in a glass of something, find some gorgeous bites to eat and then find somewhere else until we feel we should go home (more often that not after too many glasses, which was certainly the case this time). Might not be the right answer, and isn’t everyone’s way of dealing with things, but it’s ours. Fact – I have not missed hangovers!!

As we are gluttons for punishment, you’d think that getting bad news is something we are used to, and it’s true to an extent that we are conditioned to it, and have learnt how to manage this, but it’s still shit. Mostly because, although we never get ahead of ourselves as we know how cruel this friend of ours is, we just thought this was our time. I genuinely felt like this time was different, it felt more calm, more positive (mentally and scientifically) and for f*cks sake it’s our bloody turn!

But the reality is, IVF is a cruel bastard, and it wasn’t our time…YET! As we wandered the streets of London, we chatted a lot about how we felt. Obviously we are incredibly sad, but also in a way we are already prepared for the next phase. This isn’t supposed to sound harsh, and some people might be dubious in that it is recommended that you “grieve” and accept it before you move on. But I honestly feel like now I’m just some sort of social / medical experiment, and that this is my lot in life, to keep going and keep going and not give up. I mean at least it gives me something else to write about, right?! The thought of having to go through this again is exhausting yet also exciting, because it gives us hope.

We won’t really know what the next steps are until we have our “debrief” consultation in a couple of weeks, but we kind of know what to expect ie “it’s a numbers game, keep going” (at least that’s the hope!). But I know we will take whatever advice they give us and know it’s what’s best for us, and not be stubborn about “just making this work”, and ensure that we are ready.

Some things I’ve learnt this time round (and had to remind myself of from before):

• Having a “calm” frame of mind and the “space” to be able to commit to the process has been invaluable. Even if sometimes you feel like your brain will explode.
• That you have to put faith in the process, even when it doesn’t work out, you just have to be aware of the odds and play them.
• Trying to divorce emotion from the facts, however desperate we are for it to work and cold it sounds, is really the best way to get through this.
• To want to scream at the unfairness of it all, is ok and really important. Anger, frustration and sadness will all play their part, but you get to judge how much attention they get.
• That more and more I believe that, “every woman who goes through IVF is freaking WARRIOR!” (I can thank my cousin for finding that gem!)
• We have to keep remembering that this is a learning process and we have to take the things that went well and add to them, that the more they know about both of us and the way we react to treatment, the more we can inform the next round.
• Don’t dwell on the “what ifs”, it will drive you bloody mad.
• It’s really easy to beat yourself up, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve apologised to Dwighty. Because whatever you know the truth to be, that it is not your fault, it doesn’t stop you thinking it.
• Oh and Dwighty’s legend status continues…

Be good to yourself, enjoy the things you love doing, and just get ready… ding ding back in for another round!

It’s our anniversary this week, so for the first time in a couple of years, we are actually able to celebrate and spoil ourselves! (Rather then being under anaesthetic!). So we are taking ourselves away for a country break, donning the walking shoes and Barbours (in true “city” style) to do some good yomping, eat good food, sit by cosy fires and remind ourselves that we are pretty awesome!

 

K x