Limboland.

No, not the homeland of the 60s dance sensation, but one of the most frustrating places to visit whilst going through fertility treatment, made even more so as it’s a somewhere you visit often! I’ve got a bloody loyalty card to the place.

This is where we have been for the last few weeks, which I guess explains the slight radio silence… unusual for me!

After suffering the disappointment, we rode the wave of positivity and moving on, enjoying spending time with friends and family, partaking in some fine wine and just trying to get back to some sort of “normal”.

HAHA and then reality came crashing in! A couple of weeks after the “call”, meltdown occurred:)

I guess it was pretty expected, but it wasn’t expected from me. I think one of the most difficult aspects of this whole journey is time. It’s impossible to manage, impossible to predict and a nightmare to try and negotiate.

I think suddenly the realisation that we had to go through all of this again, and that we have no idea how long this might go on for was overwhelming, and consequently made me feel sort of directionless. On top of this, we still had to wait for our follow up debrief appointment with the clinic, and this happened about 10 days ago (three weeks after the “call”), which again felt like an eternity. I think that the wait was just driving me mad, as at that point there was no plan. I had no sense of what was coming next or when, and that is just really hard.

After planning for so long, it’s hard to not have a plan, especially for someone like me whose whole job used to basically be making a plan!

Alongside this was the fact that we really had no idea what they would say at that follow up appointment, I mean we thought we had an idea, but you never know!

And… we were kind of right on both counts. They too had been hopeful that this round would have worked, for all the same reasons that we did, and there is still no explanation as to why it didn’t. I think this is what some don’t really realise about IVF, and indeed is hard even when you do, that when that embryo goes back in there is nothing “medically” that they can do to ensure success. Nature has to takeover, as you would of course want it to, but it’s hard to accept that you can control (to an extent), everything up to that point, and then you just can’t! And that there is no way of tracking what happens to that little embryo on it’s 10-14 day journey to implantation or not. However, what was discussed was investigating other “possibilities” for the reasons for it not working, which was music to our ears. It was so lovely to hear that they didn’t just want to take our money and go again in blind hope, but they are continually searching for reasons as to why it isn’t happening and one of these might be a genetic chromosome defect. One explanation is that perhaps mine or Dwighty’s chromsomes might be “translocating” (oh yes), and therefore throwing off the balance of those chromosomes and consequently creating a genetic defect whereby the embryo becomes “unviable”. Yeah I know right???!! This is basically a blood test, although they can also perform this test on embryos before they are transferred, but there are more risks involved as they are having to “disturb” the embryo to get the genetic information which they like to avoid, so it makes sense.

If this is the case then this isn’t good news for us, as it means that treatment we are currently following (IVF) would be futile, and although it is very rare for this to be the case, it’s still a possibility. SO… we are currently having our bloods screened for this very scenario, another process that takes 4-6 weeks, so just in time for Christmas! Will either be a great or a shit Christmas present! Super!

If they come back negative, then at least this is another thing we can rule out as being the reason we haven’t fallen pregnant again, which is great, and gives us hope to keep going! I will then have my immunes tested again, to see how my friendly Cytokines are behaving, and if they are all good, we could go again from January, which is exciting (along with the usual trepidation). If it’s positive… we have to completely reassess. We aren’t going there yet.

For now we are keeping everything crossed that this is just a formality, and that the IVF train will be back in full motion in the New Year…Bring it!

So the positivity is back, because there is a plan, and who doesn’t love a plan!?!

K x