Here we go again…
So here we are, back in that lead up to starting treatment. That funny place, where you are desperately trying to top up your body with goodness, relax, and create good energy, and yet not start to stress, feel anxious or overthink what is about to consume your every last breath for the coming weeks.
Bizarrely I quite like this period of time, I feel like all I’m doing is good, although there can be a fine line between feeling fulfilled and being sanctimonious and smug! Which to be honest, I don’t have a problem with, I mean why not?! It might only be because I’m not waking up with hangover at the weekends, that I’m doing more with my days, that my skin is cleaner and hydrated, but I’ll take it. To be honest, in the context of why I am smug, I reckon I’ve earned a right to a small period of smugness. It’s not a feeling I have ever felt comfortable with or like in others, but sod it, if at the moment espousing what makes me feel good and trying to share that with other people, makes me that way, that is me. Mrs Smug. I’m also excited, genuinely excited, not about the endless injections and scans, although they don’t even bother me that much anymore, but about the possibility. I mean that’s why we are on this rollercoaster, to make sure there is a possibility that we can get off with an extra person on board.
Body – Smug Part 1
Part of this smugness comes from the process of putting all that goodness in. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you aren’t always good, but balance is good right! However on the whole, making sure we are getting plenty of protein, eating only good fats and staying away from as much “toxicity” as possible. HAHA having been inundated with articles and documentaries about plastics, I have been trying to be more aware of my part in that… put it this way, it might only be my reusable coffee cup from Natural Kitchen, but that’s good right, small things make big change.
Having finally succumbed to being ill after Christmas, I feel great again. Still got that lingering cough that EVERYONE has had but genuinely feel pretty good. Although I have to admit, having not been ill for over a year, I wasn’t very good at it, and Dwighty was very patient with me!
The one thing that we have always kept up, well we’ve had our lapses I mean we are human (and forgetful), is taking the old vitamin supplements. It was one of the good pieces of advice that we took from our first clinic, particularly for Dwighty. I’ve tried to keep it as simple as possible, and not to try and listen to too much information, or succumbing to any of these “fertility cocktails” or specific vitamins targeting on different aspects of the process, but more just a straight forward approach to overall wellbeing. I think some of it can be really contradictory, I wish there was just a consolidated cheat sheet as to what is good and why, I think that adds to half the stress sometimes. All you want to do is the right thing, but then you hear something different, and you doubt what you are currently doing, that can’t be good or right in my book.
Despite this, Dwighty has a daily intoxicating cocktail of Vitamin C, Zinc, Selenium, and Vitamin E, and I, the wonderful folic acid and good old dose of Vitamin D! Exciting eh?! Vit D is something that the clinic recommended to me after our first round with them, my levels were a little low (Round 3), and I do honestly believe it has made a difference. However I think if you are eating well, then these are just a little top up bonus, maybe even psychologically they do more good than physiologically, who knows, but we will take what we are told! Put it this way my Holland Barrett loyalty card is getting some serious attention these days!This time round, I have however also bought into a few powders to add to the daily smoothies, again just thought why not?! Maca powder, to just help hormonal balance and a little combo of Supergreens, again for a little top up.Finding recipes, tweaking them a bit, and Dwightyfying them is actually really interesting and I sort of love it.
Having said all of the above, I genuinely believe that if you are eating a healthy well balanced diet then that is half the battle. I mean a family bucket of KFC and a litre of coke is definitely not what you need, however much protein you think that battered drumstick is giving you, but don’t sweat the small stuff.
Mind – Smug part 2
This is the tricky one isn’t it? As those who are going through it know, this is the part where smugness is a harder feeling to conjure. On the surface you are in control, positive, peaceful, resilient and strong. The archetypal IVF WARRIOR. The next layer down is doubting whether the first feelings are actually real, or you just know that that is how you are supposed to feel and therefore enforcing it to be the case. The next one down is “sh******t”, do I really have to do this all again? I don’t want to inject, be bruised, feel bloated and crap. What if it doesn’t work? How many more times will this have to happen before we get our dream baby?
For me, personally, I try and mix all those layers together. It’s hard to ignore the negative bits and it’s good to recognise them, but then you can tell them to f*ck off and walk about with a positive sense of purpose and tell yourself that actually you are both pretty amazing to do all this, so go with the flow and try not be consumed by it. It’s an almost impossible ambition, but we are where we are.
Soul – Smug part 3
I guess this is where my smugness comes creeping back round the corner. I think IVF saps the first two, mind and body, but somehow the soul always manages to stay intact, maybe sometimes by a thread, but it stays. Dwighty and I have good souls and I’m proud to say that, and although I don’t necessarily believe in karma, I do believe that good things happen to good people. So for now, that’s as much as we need.
Aka Mrs Smug
N.B IVF diary purchased from @a_diary_for_ivf – although I did buy a notebook to hold all things IVF, I couldn’t resist this as I wish I had come up with the idea, and also to support a small business!